Have you ever had the experience where there is a concept whose theory you understand, embrace and perhaps even teach others and then something happens one day that gives you a much deeper, visceral understanding of that concept as it is lived? Yes?
I’ve had one of those moments this month with the concept of Motherhood.
The past few years have been what I thought was a deep exploration of motherhood, or what I was referring to at that time as Womanhood. It started in October 2015 aware of a choice I was making that felt like I was being called into a maturity I could sense but had not yet arrived at. That’s when I first tapped into that sense of “womanhood”. At that time, it was just a faint sense of it — a sense of being drawn forward into who I was becoming.
I didn’t think about it much until a year later, stepping into a marriage that brought me back to that subtle awareness of what I was being called into. Much more than a marriage, or a title of wife, it was a new evolution of myself nudging to be birthed forward. And even in that moment, as I shed a layer of the maiden to the river in ritual on that sacred day, I felt like this ‘womanhood’ was still on the outside, in the future, and not quite embodied within me. Yet.
The year that followed was one of immense change and also the year leading to my 40th birthday- a milestone. The quest to understand Womanhood was beckoning even more strongly than before. This inquiry was no longer a subtle nudge, it was an outright conversation within myself and with other women I knew. And, it became a specific question: “When a woman births a child, there are physiological and life changes that catalyze a maturing from the maiden to the mother. For someone, like myself, who is not going to birth her own children, what is the catalyst or initiation for that maturing process?” I had a lot of answers and deep conversations with women (especially women who also have not given birth) about feminine archetypes, the ways I “mother” the land and animals here at the farm, and more. And yet, I felt like these conversations were wrapping around the concept of it but not quite tapping into the depth somehow.
My 40th birthday came and went and I didn’t “feel anything different” And then my 41st and 42nd have come and gone. These last two years have been some of the deepest, darkest, most challenging I’ve ever experienced with an extreme amount of loss and grief of everything I knew as true. They’ve also been two of the most powerful years initiating a deep layer of growth. Growth that I see, only in looking back, is the journey to Womanhood I had been seeking all along and that I continue to walk now.
These deep, challenging years were an experience of their own kind of birth. It’s been birthing a new chapter of my life as well as birthing this farm business based on a vision that is way bigger than I originally realized and that continues to unfold more magically than I expected. It’s a birthing of something that I see goes beyond me to a community of folks and (hopefully) to generations beyond my own.
If you follow me on social media, you’ve seen that most recently (this past week) I’ve taken on what is called a “bottle baby” lamb. What this means is that a lamb was born and then rejected by her mother (which sometimes happens). So, someone needs to take her in and bottle feed her and care for her— constantly!! It literally is like having a baby in the house. Her name is Lily, she’s super adorable and she has completely upended my world! Every 6 hours, Lily needs a bottle which means that her last bottle is around 11, and then I’m getting up at 5:30am for the next one (yes, I know I’m stretching the time a little). She cries when she can’t find me, she poops and pees anywhere she is standing and wants to follow me, right under my feet.
This week has invited me to a glimpse of motherhood I had not had before, no matter how many animals and plants I have cared for every day. And, this first hand experience has given me the deepest understanding of this transition to woman/mother that I could have had. As my sleep-deprived self has been contemplating this experience, I realized that the catalyst I had been looking for has happened, particularly in the last 4 months, and that this baby has called forth the woman within myself I had been calling for for the past few years.
This all translates into my work as CEO of this farm business. There is a different attitude of doing-what-it-takes that comes with Motherhood. I deal with the less-fun things with the understanding that this is a part of tending and giving care for what I’m helping to grow. In a business, that might be the accounting, or sales, or whatever that piece is for you. With Lily — it’s cleaning up her poop and getting up at 5:30am (both things I hate!) I see it in my flower farmer who is a single mom with two boys building her floral business. She’ll do what it takes to raise her boys and usher in the life of her business and I’m always in awe of what she does every day juggling all this. There is a certain sense of responsibility for a living growing being + a deep love that together turn into a determination to care for this little lamb that is utterly unstoppable. I feel the same way with the business. My passion for what I do on the farm + my sense of responsibility for this place and helping it to grow into a strong business legacy have created a sense of determination that has clarified my commitment. Be it the baby lamb, the tender new seedlings or this budding business, there is a deeper feeling of being all-in. And, that “All-In” means there is no saying “it’s too hard” and walking away. The determination that comes from love + responsibility helps weather the challenges so that the upsides can be savored and enjoyed.
Motherhood also calls out a fierceness in us. We’ll fight for our children, we take a stand and protect their purity as best as we can. My dog, Daisy is a fierce momma protector and the moment she bonded to Lily, she won’t let any stranger come between her and the baby without being vetted first. The same thing arises for me now with the business. I fiercely protect its mission, my values, and the vision of what I’m creating here. I consider each decision mindfully and whether it is in support of what I’m growing or not. This comes up in all parts of the business from meeting new partners, choosing which markets to attend, bringing on a team member and choosing each plant to grow for the season.
And, Mothering a business or a baby also asks for an unlimited quantity of nurturing kindness. The sweetest gift of mothering Lily is the 2 minutes she’s drinking her bottle in the quiet at 5:30am before the world wakes up. Her eyes look up at me and my heart cracks open. Late at night before the last bottle, I often hold her in the stillness of the kitchen while she gently naps in my lap and I sink into the deep peace and safety that she must be feeling. I let her out to wander about and I have to slow way down to be present and gentle with her. And, when I do that, I can fully understand what she is needing from me be it love, a feeding, play time, or fresh air. There are times in my business that call for that unstoppable charge-forth energy and I have found that the slowing down to give nurturance and kindness are equally important. When I slow down to hear what a customer is needing, I can serve them better. When I slow down to hear what a team-member is suggesting I can hear the care they have for what they contribute to this place. And, when I slow down to listen for what my business is asking of me next, I can then give it. And, in both cases — with Lily and with the business — what they tell me they need is NOT always what my mind thinks they need. When I nurture by giving what is being asked for, with kindness, I undoubtedly find that what I give is returned 10-fold. This is different from when I have tried to force my will which usually elicits resistance or withdrawl.
Being the Mother is walking the balance of fierce determination with loving kindness, all in utter devotion to support the growth of whatever it is that has your heart — a baby lamb, a seedling, a child, or your business.
The shift of the past couple of years into Womanhood has brought me to a place of comfort with myself that gives me the confidence to choose this business over and over again and then do what’s needed to foster it’s growth with love. For me, the shift from Maiden to Woman informs the shift from being a farm hobbyist to being a farm owner and leader. There’s no going back. There is no walking away on a tough day. There is only powerful listening, and choosing this passion over and over and over again. So, I ask you, dear reader: